About 3 weeks ago — a few days after I found out I was pregnant, I wrote a blog post about my pregnancy and how I found out I was pregnant; kind of like a weekly pregnancy update with my symptoms and everything. But merely a week later, just a few days before my husband and I planned on going for an ultrasound, I had a miscarriage. So I went ahead and deleted the blog post. There’s no point in actually keeping it in draft. I didn’t plan on making this blog post at all but it happened to me and to a lot of women out there and I think I’m at the right state of mind to talk about it.
I’ve just had lunch and made a cup of hot green tea to accompany me. So here goes.
Just know that before I wrote everything that you’re about to read, I’ve just had a good cry about it. I’m well now physically and mentally but sometimes I couldn’t help but to cry thinking about my dead foetus/zygote/whatever form it was when it died.
A little disclaimer here: My last menstrual period (LMP) was 27/10/2019, my wedding day was 9/11/2019, and the pregnancy is counted from the first day of my last menstrual period (LMP), just in case you lot here thought I got pregnant before my wedding which is impossible because I didn’t see my husband for a few weeks leading up to the wedding LOL. My ovulation day was 11/11/2019; two days after my wedding. I was expected to get my period on 26/11/2019.
Tue, 19/11/2019: My husband and I was on our honeymoon in Tioman Island. We went for snorkelling and it was so fun although it took me a good 10 minutes to warm up at the thought of having live fish surrounding me. Anyway, after we went snorkelling, we went back to the hotel and I started having cramping similar to menstrual cramp. I thought that maybe my period was going to come earlier than expected. I didn’t think much of it.
Thu, 21/11/2019: We came home from Tioman Island and I felt lethargic all over. I felt like I was coming down with fever but I wasn’t sick or anything. At night, I told my husband that I wanted to go to Tesco to get some pregnancy tests just to confirm that I wasn’t pregnant. I bought one cheap test and also a more expensive Clearblue one. I did the cheap test first and it came out negative. I didn’t use the Clearblue one and just tucked it away. I gotta admit that it was too early to check for pregnancy but I know that something was going on with my body. For someone who has had regular period since she was 10 and is aware of the changes in her body, what I felt was not normal at all.
Sun, 24/11/2019: I don’t normally sleep during the day unless I’m very very tired or I didn’t get enough sleep the night before, so when I slept from 1 pm until 5 pm for absolutely no freaking reason, I just knew that something was going on.
Mon, 25/11/2019: I woke up at 5.15 am to go pee and decided that “fuck it, I’m gonna do the test now” and used the Clearblue one that I had saved. This was the result:
I WAS IN SHOCK. I couldn’t believe what I’m seeing. And of course I was very, very happy because it wasn’t unwanted. Later in the evening, I bought two more cheap tests and used one. It showed up positive as well although the line was not as clear as the Clearblue one. My suggestion is to always go for Clearblue if you want to be sure.
Tue, 26/11/2019 (my expected period day): I did another test at 4.30 am and it showed positive as well but like all cheap tests, the line wasn’t that clear and I was only about 4 weeks at this time so my HcG hormone was only starting to rise.
Wed, 4/12/2019: I bought 10 pregnancy test strips on Shopee and did 5 tests. All came back positive but this time with darker lines as my hormone had risen. I was so afraid that this was all just a dream that I was obsessed with testing using pregnancy tests. Crazy, I know. But here’s an image of all 5 tests.
At this point, I was accepting the fact that I was pregnant.
Fri, 6/12/2019: At about 11.15 am, I wanted to go pee and saw blood on my underwear. I went frantic you had no idea. I immediately texted my husband at work and he asked me to go to the clinic. I wiped down there with some tissue paper and saw fresh blood. My brother-in-law sent me to my regular clinic but my doctor wasn’t in but there was a locum doctor available. She did an ultrasound but I knew that she wasn’t experienced because she wasn’t sure between my bladder and uterus which pissed me off, by the way, because it was nerve-racking for me and she WASN’T SURE???? She referred me to hospital so I waited for my husband to come home. I called my regular doctor and told her of my condition, she told me to just stay put and don’t do anything. My husband insisted on going to the hospital so we were already in the car when he called his relative who works at the hospital we were going to go. The doctor at the hospital told exactly what my doctor had told me: go on bedrest and don’t do anything for the whole week.
But it wasn’t over. I had an extreme cramping for 12 fucking hours. God knows how many times I fucking cried. I had to wear sanitary pad because blood came out like you would period and everything hurt. Around 1 am, I knew that I miscarried because I had the worst cramping of my life and it was just the absolute worst oh my god. I could only lie in bed and thought that maybe going to the hospital right now would not be a bad idea because I felt like I was about to die. I fell asleep while being in absolute pain. What a shit experience I had to go through.
Sat, 7/12/2019: I had an afternoon nap because that was all I can do being bedridden anyway but I felt something huge coming out of me. I was just heartbroken at that point and didn’t even bother to check. Around 3.15 pm, I was gonna go take a shower when I saw a huge blood clot/tissue on my sanitary pad. It didn’t look like regular clot you see when you have your regular period. I showed it to my mom and she said it looked like I had miscarried. I was like, “oh, okay”, went to the bathroom and cried for god-knows-how-many time. At night, I passed more blood clot/tissue similar to the one I had passed in the evening. I took photos for memory purpose but I’m not going to show it here because it’s just TMI, LOL.
Sun, 8/12/2019: I was frustrated with my condition. If I stand for too long, the cramping gets worse. I can’t do anything besides lying down in bed. I couldn’t even move left or right without being in pain. In the afternoon, I told my mom that I wanted to go out and shop. So my family and I went to IOI City Mall. Just 100 steps out the door, my waist down hurt so so bad. I had to walk very slowly and made sure I didn’t bump into anything. I told everyone that I was fine but inside I was about to die. I shopped for new clothes, skincare products, and a pair of gold earrings that match my gold bracelet. I was so sad so shopping was the only thing I felt like doing. I went home and saw that I passed an even bigger clot/tissue than the previous two times. I was just — done. I knew that I had miscarried. There’s no point in being optimistic that everything was going to be okay because it was not. At night, my friend who was going through miscarriage as well told me to do a pregnancy test. I did a test and the result came back negative. My HcG hormone was disappearing and the line wasn’t there anymore. I was no longer pregnant.
That night, I had the worst cry to my husband. The absolute worst. Of all the things that have happened and could happen to me, I never thought going through miscarriage would be one of it. I cried all night and fell asleep. There’s nothing I can do to bring back my baby.
Mon, 9/12/2019: My husband brought me to the hospital to get me checked out. I went to An-Nur Specialist Hospital in Bangi and saw Dr. Wan Masliza. A nice doctor, by the way. She told me that I was supposed to be 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant that day. She did an ultrasound and confirmed that I had a complete miscarriage, meaning that everything is out and I don’t have to do a D&C. She’s confirming what I have known all along and I didn’t cry that time because I’m accepting the fact that I miscarried.
I went home, did not eat, stayed in the room for the whole day and cried my heart out. Two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. A week ago I made a surah for baby playlist on Spotify. Today, I’m no longer pregnant.
I know that some people would belittle my miscarriage saying that I was very early in the pregnancy and I should cheer up like it’s nothing, but they didn’t go through what I went through. I was hurt physically from the cramping as it was about to be flushed out of me, and I was even more hurt emotionally because I knew that I was about to lose my baby. I wouldn’t wish miscarriage to anyone, especially to women who plan and want their pregnancy.
Seeing my pregnancy symptoms went away a few days after I had miscarried was saddening for me. I had mild cramping during pregnancy and I didn’t cramp anymore. I didn’t like my husband’s body odour anymore. My sore breasts weren’t sore anymore. I didn’t look bloated anymore. My uterus didn’t feel tight anymore. I didn’t feel tired during the day anymore. I stopped bleeding and my symptoms stopped showing like I hadn’t just been pregnant. The only proof of my pregnancy was my many pregnancy tests that I had put in a plastic bag and tucked away in the drawer. I was going to throw them away but I didn’t want to forget it. It may have not survived but it was my first pregnancy albeit only being pregnant for two weeks. If I threw all the tests away, what do I have to remember it by?
Give you so much but it wasn’t enough, but I’ll be alright it’s just a thousand cuts.