I’m not happy.

im not happy


This is going to be one hell of a post to write.

I believe that each one of us has our own calamity that God has put us through. Maybe you have been through it or you will be in the near future, no one knows that for sure. Or maybe you are one of the lucky ones where the world is your ‘heaven’. But my calamity started almost 6 years ago and I have been living in a great distress ever since.

On social media, everyone can put on a mask and a smile and lie to the world like I have been doing all this time. Inside, all I wanted to do (and still wants to do) was die. I wanted to put an end to my life because I no longer want to live with this calamity anymore. Sure, God will not test you with things that He knows you cannot survive but who knows that for sure?

I have not told a single soul about my problem because I knew that no one can help me. If I did, I would have told someone who I knew who can help and we would all live happily ever after and I would not have been so depressed that I have to make this post because I could not live with this anymore.

He promised that with hardships, there will be ease but I am not sure how long or am I still going to wait for that ‘ease’. Will it come or will it not, I do not know. Surely, it is promised, but after more than half a decade you just kind of lose all hopes. I lost the will to hope. Everyone is two steps ahead but I am 10 steps behind.

Am I depressed? Maybe. There are days where I feel fine, like I have a small sliver of hope of surviving and there are also days when I look at my ceiling fan thinking will it hold my weight just until the bone on my neck snaps. There are days when all I wanted to do was cry because no one can help me and I am going to be stuck with this shit forever.

To all the people who asked me I deferred my studies for a year last year — you have your answer. It was not because I was tired of studying or I was just lazy to study, it was because of this. This calamity. My CGPA when downhill during my third semester until now. As long as I have this problem hanging over my head, I can not focus on my studies and although it affects my CGPA, I worry more about my problem than a number on my degree certificate.

I’m hurt. I’m broken. I could not see my future. Will I still have a future? That, I will never know. I do not know what is the end of this. I do not know when or will it ever end and I do not know if what God is giving me after this is better than what He has taken. All I can do is hope but getting my hopes up only to be disappointed the next day is just shit. Life is seriously shitting on me now and I am barely grasping for air.

This storm will pass,” they say. But when?