I used to think weird of people who ‘allegedly’ make life decisions in the shower. I mean, who the heck make decisions of life when you’re supposed to be cleaning yourself?
Today, I finally knew why. I was under the shower, looking at myself through the mirror in front of me when a sudden realization hit me.
Things will be better only if you make the right decision for yourself.
If you’ve been reading my blog since it happened, you would know the main reason for why I am writing all of this.
I had chosen to not give up and keeping my faith (and sanity) intact. I fought it all. The bad thoughts and the possibilities of something bad to happen again. I had faith in us.
But it didn’t help my healing process, though. My life gets better and better everyday, but my heart is very much vulnerable and wrecked. One slight nudge and that’s it. The strength that I’ve built, the walls that I’ve built collapsed and I found myself losing control and cry like a baby losing its mom.
You don’t even want to know what it felt like to cry at 3 am in the morning and only be able to sleep after dawn for days. You don’t.
Now, I choose to move on and give up.
I want to move on not because of the pain, I want to move on because I want to stop being in love. I want to fall out of love and it will be as if this had never existed.
I want to give up because I don’t want to have faith anymore. I don’t want to pray to Allah SWT to get what I always wanted, which is that. No, it’s not that I don’t trust in Him, I just stopped wanting it. I want to stop having faith that this, all of this will be better. I just sort of don’t care anymore. I stopped having faith that we are meant to be together, that He made us to be together. It’s over now.
It took every strength and nerve in me to make this decision. I’m not saying it is easy because it is not. To give up on something you want the most is such an unbearable pain. I wanted him more than I wanted to be successful in my studies, though. You get what I mean? I wanted to be with him more than anything else in the world. I’d sacrifice everything just to be with him.
This is not some stupid puppy love yada yada, no.
When you have found the one, you don’t give up, they say. But I give up. Sometimes, it is the best choice for you and for everyone.
To give up.
What’s the point of not giving up and suffer along the way? I’d rather give up and be happy with my life. I don’t want to cry anymore.